I still remember that you called one night to tell me that you had fallen into the trap and that, you are not okay. I could only say I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it all away and let you live the life you want, but I can’t.
I wanted to make things better for you, but your condition doesn’t always allow me to do that. I didn’t text, not because I have forgotten about you. I didn’t text, not because I don’t care anymore. I didn’t text, not because I’m avoiding you. But because I understand that you needed time to chill.
Some days, I know you can’t see what’s good in you, what’s worthwhile in you. Sometimes, you can’t see why you matter. And some days, I know you don’t love yourself. So I’m writing and wishing you could see what I see. To remind you of how great you are. That’s what your friends are for!
You are one of the cutest patient ever. Who laughs so much just to kill pain. Who can explain complex ideas into something very easy for yourself to learn. And you always say the right words that gets me through my day, sometimes. Did you know that?
You are caring, kind, a great listener, you don’t judge, and passionate…the list goes on and on. You go out of your way to be kind. You love people. You take on other people’s burdens or inconvenience yourself, to make life easier for another person. The qualities that God gave you makes you pretty amazing. And you need to see that sometimes, you need to come first.
To be honest, selfishly, I am glad for what God has put you through because it made you into you. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been carrying this pain, trying to live as good a life as you can without letting the feelings pulling you down. Trying to fix the source of it, trying to deny it and cover it up.
In those moments when you’re most broken by it, when you’re standing honest facing the darkest storm, that’s precisely when I love you the most. That’s when I remember again and again and again why I wanted to be your friend in the first place. Because you’re a real person, you suffer from all this mess and yet you keep on trying, every day. You’re kind of a hero to me and going to be a blessing to others. I trust that you can overcome this.
I hope you understand, just a little bit, why you matter. I want to let you know that I’m holding you in my thoughts and prayers. That I promise you. You don’t have to be strong, trying to hold yourself together in a single thread. It’s okay. It’s okay that you aren’t okay. I’m not leaving, and neither are your friends. I may not be someone who is important in your life but I hope you realize there are a lot of people in your life who love you enough to go through it all with you, standing by you along the way.
We won’t ever see you as a burden or as an annoyance. Never. Because we love you too much. We will be there for you, ok? Remember that your darkest storm doesn’t get to win. Not with God and prayers in your corner.
We love you. Always.
P/s: I’m still waiting for you to compile all of your shouting and screaming videos so that I can watch them whenever I need to laugh. I’ll continue to count the minutes until you do.