I fell in love with my patient.

manhattan

Today, I was set up on a blind date through my relative. I went anyway, because I want all of my complicated feelings about you to fade away. If only this new guy can make my heart skip a beat, I would have forgotten about you and move on with life.

We had dinner together at a very romantic place. He is a rather good looking guy with good manners. Very polite, dressed well and he smelled good too! Bonus points, I thought. The date went well, but, I wasn’t thinking about this new guy. I found myself wanted to tell every single thing to you at the end of the night. I found myself, for real this time, missing you, my patient.

All I can say is that you, you make me into a new person. Before I met you again, I was me. Someone who can’t trust and love. You make me happy, even when you’re selfish and awful. Tonight, I would rather be with you – even the you that you think is broken and disabled – than with anyone else in this world. Because I found solace with you.

“He cares so much for you, till the fact that to me, you are his cure. Having you in his life is what he needs.”

“Just let him go. He is ignoring you. He doesn’t care about you anymore. Move on.”

For the past 3-4 weeks, I am confused about how I felt, so I told myself that I should just ignore things and focus on whatever I needed to do. I tried to convince myself that you don’t like me and I didn’t like you. To push away my feelings. To destroy them. Anyway, you don’t like talking to me anymore.

Tonight, just when I think it couldn’t get any worse, it can. My heart cried in pain, just like 8 years ago. Because now, I am trying to love someone and it’s going to be a love in vain.

I don’t even dare to say that I’m in love. I don’t even have the courage to text you about how I felt. So, I could only write all my feelings down, hoping that you will read. I don’t think you will even read this.

Here’s to you if you are reading this:

People used to say that being honest with someone can make you gain a person in life or can teach you a painful lesson in life. I’m going to be honest anyways because words that are left unsaid is more hurtful than words that were spoken. It feels so unethical to fall in love with my own patient, so the only correct way to solve the dilemma is to end our physiotherapist-patient relationship. But will our friendship ends too after you read this?

I cared for you as a physiotherapist in the beginning, then slowly, I loved you as a good friend. And then, I loved you more than just a good friend during the days when we were apart.

I don’t know what else can I tell you, other than that I love you. I don’t care if you are an OKU, or lost a limb, or if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness. All I know is: I love God. I love you.

I know that I sound crazy. I know we’re just getting to know each other, and even admitting what I did just makes you think that I’m nuts and it will draw you away. You would probably avoid me forever.

Still, I want you to know that I love you, not just for the person you are, but for the way you make me think that we can be. I don’t know if I have made the right choice to say this, but I know our lives are made up of our own choices or our lives will never change.

Now, tell me, should I apologize for being honest and watch you leave?

I wish before you leave, you could slap me with the truth. The truth that will set me free. That you don’t feel the same way. Because I’m not the type of girl that you will fall in love with. That I’m not a supermodel with pretty face, nor am I intelligent. I’m just not that girl. I am just a common woman. I have led a common life with battle scars. Just slap me with the truth. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t choose me either.

Now I know why I was miserable.
I fell in love with my patient.
I love you and I’m sorry.

Here comes the feeling you thought you’d forgotten.

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6 thoughts on “I fell in love with my patient.

  1. Your story makes me cry. It’s so sad how a great love got in such an ordinary grey place. As for me, I rather choose a woman who makes me think than a woman with pretty looks.

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  2. This is truly a difficult thing to say, so much courage and strength. I do not know you, but your words make me teared – not only this post, but the previous posts. I can totally feel for you even though I have not been through this. Every dark cloud has a silver lining. I wish you can be strong and be brave.

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  3. God definitely has reasons behind this. If God put you both together, it is going to be a royal story. A physio and a patient. No matter what, we still love you, Ai! Be strong. Hugs and kisses.

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  4. WOW, this is one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I’ve read in a very long time. It’s emotional but not gushing. It’s intelligent without being wordy. It’s lyrical without pretense. It’s a perfect expression of love. My hat is off to you!

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  5. I find this story is a heart wrenching story. To love a patient with disabilities requires tonnes of courage, but you still choose to love him. Love can be this great. You are an inspiration!

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