But I do.

At 12.30 am….

I look at you as more than what you are to me currently. Because to me you are everything. Everything I’ve ever wanted but mostly because you treat me as though I matter. As if my opinions and everything I want is important to you too.

And that’s what love is.

But I can’t tell you I wanted to marry you today or now. I really do.

I can’t tell you that every night before I go to sleep I think about you and wish you are sleeping by my side. I think about you when I’m at work and looking forward to be in your arms everyday. I think about you when I can’t get through the day without wanting to cry. You are home to me and just hearing your voice reminds me how that feels.

And when people ask me if I will be getting married soon I tell them no. Because I don’t want to be the cause of pressuring you or myself. Even though we mean so much to each other, it doesn’t mean that we have to be together now. I can’t even tell you what’s going on in my mind and my heart because I don’t want to look like as if I am rushing into marriage or pushing you into the marriage.

Sometimes we’re meant to meet someone who takes our breath away but not being able to start a new life with them right away. And it’s unfair. It’s so unfair that we are surrounded by their beauty but we can’t touch them. We can’t tell them how much they mean to us without giving away our secret. We can’t let them know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together so badly. That we aren’t separating anymore.

We can learn so much from each other but only if we keep it to the capacity that it’s at. And I’m not risking everything to tell you my feelings because I don’t feel as though we’re on the same page. And that’s okay. It’s okay to not be exactly at the same moments in life. It’s okay to not feel the same way.

But let me tell you something, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to keep my mouth shut about this.

Because I can feel myself breaking. I feel my tongue waiting to betray me. To tell you that I am so completely into you. To tell you that I want to marry you right away. To tell you that I wanted to build a family with you. That I am so completely enamoured by everything you are. And it has nothing to do with outward beauty and it is everything to do with the gorgeous soul that lies deep within you. And what’s crazy is you don’t see how stunning, how captivating, how incredibly amazing every piece of you is.

So our future looks like this. We keep things the way it is. Because even though I want to marry you, you and me are nowhere near ready too. And I don’t wanna talk about weddings or marriage.

And if we ever did cross paths as husband and wife instead of lovers, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

You are the ultimate. You would be my ultimate. So maybe we’ll end up together or maybe we won’t but all I know is this; as long as you exist in my world, I’ll be happy. No matter what capacity. I will still love you ❤

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She.

She wants to believe that love will find her. When she found the one, she wants to marry him. She wants to believe him.

But it’s hard to keep her hope alive because every time she sees the glimpse of a beginning, everything ends. She is going to have a hard time keeping her expectations high because she is just too disappointed by you. Whenever she gives love a chance, it backfires on her. She ends up being disappointed and sad again.

And when everything comes crashing down around her, she feels like a complete idiot. Because she should have seen it coming. She should have known it would end this way. She shouldn’t have gotten excited like some naive little girl.

To be honest, she still feels the pain as intensely as if she was being betrayed. She can’t even enjoy a good thing, because when a relationship is going well, she can’t trust you and your words.

Marriage is suppose to be a beautiful thing but things have became too sour. She is sick of dating or wanting to get married. She is annoyed when people brought up about weddings or marriage, or maybe she has given up on marriage.

She probably wouldn’t attend any of these celebrations for this year. She is just too broken.

Now she truly believe that one is enough. Though it may sound like a denial, she now believes that each of us is good enough, for ourselves, to the point that being alone should not hinder us from leading a joyful life.

Because the absence of a significant one is just a situation, not a death penalty.

Enough for now.

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Words.

“What’s wrong with postponing the celebration?”

After all of our conversations, I became more and more disappointed with your words. What is exactly “keeping your word” means to you? To me, words hold immense power and emotion for us. Words can win the hearts and minds of people to a cause, or send somebody crashing to the depths of despair.

You always asked me if I am ready for marriage and that you are really ready for a commitment. You should probably ask yourself if you are seriously ready for marriage. Now that you tell me you want to postpone the marriage because there are lots of issues we haven’t sorted out. So what do you mean by you are ready for marriage but wants to postpone the celebration? Are you seriously ready for a marriage? Haih.

When you tell someone that you will want to get marry soon, it’s a big promise. A promise that is so easily thrown around. A promise that means a lot to someone.  So what made you say that you want to marry me? Whatever it was that made you feel the need to say it, just know that you didn’t have to. Any girl who is in this situation will tell you they would’ve rather you didn’t say it in the first place instead of giving them false hope. Because that is what this is, you have given me false hope. And the problem with giving someone false hope is that you will never know when is their last hope.

You know it is better to stay silent sometimes than creating a storm in someone’s soul. I know that you are just a human being. You have a heart, you have a mind.. But so do others. Do not say something that you don’t mean it. Do not promise the moon if you can’t even catch the stars.

Just stay silent when you don’t mean your spoken words. Because outside is a spring, and it is a shame to create autumn in someone’s soul.

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What are words if you don’t mean them when you say them?

 

Don’t give up on your passion.

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No matter where you are now or what problems you are facing, I hope you didn’t give up. The journey to your dream isn’t gonna be smooth. Sometimes you are gonna encounter a detour and you will be confused. Sometimes you are going to be lost and discouraged.

But obstacles and rocks are part of one’s journey. No one is exempted from feeling the pain. Life may get ugly sometimes – but that’s okay.

What’s important is how you pick yourself up after a fall, how you become a better person after making mistakes. I hope you don’t get tired and quit now. I hope you can see how much you have conquered and I hope you realize to see how lucky you are.

I pray that you won’t let go of your passion because of one failure. Be the person who is excited about everything. Forget about what people think about you. Laugh as loud as you want. Talk as much as you want. Show the world how big is your heart.

I hope you don’t get scared to become who you want to become. I hope you own your dreams and be proud of them. Don’t be afraid of taking chances because not every decision in life is safe. Sometimes you have to risk it.

I hope you do what you are passionate about. Because the best feeling in the world is being successful in doing what you love.

Stay with your passion and don’t give up.

I am bored.

I don’t have much to do at home. No work, no studies, and just plain resting. Maybe I should start counting ants again.

What’s your favorite thing to do when you are bored at home?

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Gonna read this book and share my favorite quotes from this book. This book is rather a good book about two person who is not afraid to try to love despite challenges in their lives and the fact that first love doesn’t last.

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Image result for eleanor and park quotes

Image result for eleanor and park quotes

Image result for eleanor and park quotes

You are my favourite person of all time.

What am I feeling?

Wokah. Seriously, I don’t know what am I feeling.

Your eyes… I look into your eyes and I am confused. HAHA

Thank you for dropping by. Thank you for bringing a sick person out for a movie just because she wants to get some fresh air. Thank you for making me feel comfortable when I’m with you.

Guess we wouldn’t meet each other anymore after this weekend. It was nice knowing you. It was nice knowing someone who share so many common interests. 🙂

1 Universe, 9 Planets, 204 Countries, 809 Islands, 7 Seas, and I had the privilege to meet you.

14th June 2017 – Surgery Day

I have this weird pain on my abdomen for 5 days and I thought the pain was just a normal menstrual pain. So I kinda ignored the pain and still goes to church and work. Yesterday, walking seems to be more and more difficult. I can barely walk far or drive too. The aching pain on my right abdomen is becoming significant to the extend that I can’t ignore it anymore.

But I thank God for sending someone to remind me of Dr Basel and even helped me to call him on my behalf. So here I am, writing this post in KPJ Specialist Hospital while waiting for Dr Basel to cut me open. Even though my surgery is just a minor one, I’m scared. I don’t know how my dad actually stayed so calm before and after his major surgery. I am trying to stay calm, like really calm for mom. I can tell that mom is super worried, all my relatives are here to support her. Thank you everybody for your prayers and support. Thank you for all those lovely gifts and texts! Wish me luck!

And to that someone:

Thank you for reminding me of Dr Basel. Thank you for helping me to contact him too. And most of all, thank you for distracting me when I’m feeling scared and nervous. Thank you for everything. 

All is well.

 

Fe-feeling nervous

Yup, I’m feeling nervous.

I’m going out for a dinner with someone whom I haven’t met before.

They said the first dinner shouldn’t be something that takes a lot of time?

Or maybe should I drive tonight? HAHA.

Don’t think it will work out anyways. I am way too selfish.

It is a risk to love. What if it doesn’t work out?

#MyStory

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Today, my family set up for another blind dinner date. I understand that they have good intentions and want to introduce someone they know that they “think” would be perfect for me. My mom said, take a chance. And so I accepted it. I didn’t dressed up to impress but of course, decently with no make ups. Anyway, I am not a girl who wears make up everyday unless it is for a special occasion. Duh. So I head over to the restaurant with my mom and relatives. His family was already there, and he was seated in between his parents.

His aunty recognized me right away and was so excited because she saw my pictures on billboards and advertisements. I’m not famous yo but it became a hot topic for the night. Geez. He who was sitting directly opposite me, looks amazing. He is tall, smart and handsome. He dressed up well, and he seems to be a nice person.

Finding a lover sounds beautiful, isn’t it? A person to date. A person who goes for pizzas and movies with. A person to open your life to, give your heart to, who you can see yourself with, years and years down the road. I’m not looking for somebody with superhuman gifts. To me, he just need to love God more. Because that’s the first and the greatest commandment. Simple.

Despite so, finding that person can be scary too. There are so many rules in today’s dating world. A lover is supposed to be smart, pretty, sexy, and reliable, right? His family definitely expected higher requirements but was quite impressed with me and they were very anxious to know about our second date.

It happened real quickly. There weren’t any mixed signals. There wasn’t a bit of uncertainty. I knew I’d be asked out on a date before leaving. Before I even reach home, there was already a text. Conversation flowed naturally and next thing I know, I’m finding out someone’s entire life story who I hadn’t known 24 hours ago.

He didn’t try to say all the right things, he didn’t try to be the man I wanted. He wanted to be that man I needed to fix my heart. He’s a great guy but he doesn’t seem to be the one. I’m sorry.

I know his family and mines are very excited about us. But I’m sorry for making him fall at the first sight. I’m sorry that I couldn’t fall in love with him now because I am still caught in the mess of someone else. I cannot love him now because I am too selfish and too determined in being the girl on her own. I want to explain it to him, this is what I’m going through right now. But he deserves a fair shot. I don’t wanna make him feel exactly the way someone else has made I feel that he is not good enough.

I hope that they will understand that I am not broken or weak. I just can’t love him right now, can’t love at all right now. I know sometimes we don’t have to do alone, just maybe all it takes is just one person to teach us the pain we feel right now and everything we’ve been holding on to for this long is what we can let go of. But I need some time to breathe. I need time to figure out myself. Because right now I know I may get lonely, but I don’t mind being alone.

“…all people needed was time and then they could figure most things out of themselves.”