Yes, I will.

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Hi,

A million of words and faces have run across my mind. Sometimes I wonder what you are doing and how are you feeling. Despite being busy, I wonder if you feel the same emptiness like I do throughout the day.

I have read so much about your condition so that I could come up with the best treatment plan. Every temptation to text you gets too much and I will have to bite it back and tell myself that no good will come from it.

People tell me that I should tell you the truth instead of beating around the bush. The truth that I have helped to rehabilitate so many people, but it is you that I cared the most. I have so many other options, but it is you that I chose. Honestly, I have too little courage to tell you. But in your silence, I have already found my answer.

Today, I am writing to tell you that I am letting you go. I have decided to let you go not because I have stopped loving you or I have found another. For as much as I want to help you, I want to help myself too. Seeing you fall into the sadness trap makes me sad too. Instead of me lifting people up – my patients, my colleagues, my closest friends have to pull me out of the trap. I want to be selfish now because it is the best for me.

Time spent with you was never about troubles, disgrace or disagreements, but instead a moment that I will miss. I know God has bigger plans for us. If God wants something huge from me, I must be more willing to let it go. If losing contact with you is part of God’s plan, I’d rather not hear anything from you. I gave you to God because I know God will be able to fix what is broken than I do.

So, please understand that if I do not send a text, it doesn’t mean I do not care anymore. I would say I still care very much. I’ll love you for accepting me to be your physiotherapist and inspires me to become a better one. I’ll love you for the short period of companionship and friendship that we have shared. I’ll love you enough to let you go so that you could do more, feel more and be more than the person you could ever become than being by my side.  I’ll always pray for your happiness like how I pray for mines.

I can write the saddest lines tonight. To think I don’t have you, to feel I have lost you. I chose not to. I choose to give you up for God. And these are the last lines I will write for you.

Tonight, this is my parting, my reluctance and my final gift to you.

Tonight, I am letting you go.

Yes, I will.

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At first, she was devastated by you.

Later, she realized your smile actually means a lot to her.

She wrote a letter while you ignored her. She was hoping that you will get better soon.

She stopped denying her feelings. You made her feel worthless. 

Finally, she walks away from the pain of unrequited love. And this is her last letter to you.

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Close your eyes, seal your heart and let it go.

I fell in love with my patient.

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Today, I was set up on a blind date through my relative. I went anyway, because I want all of my complicated feelings about you to fade away. If only this new guy can make my heart skip a beat, I would have forgotten about you and move on with life.

We had dinner together at a very romantic place. He is a rather good looking guy with good manners. Very polite, dressed well and he smelled good too! Bonus points, I thought. The date went well, but, I wasn’t thinking about this new guy. I found myself wanted to tell every single thing to you at the end of the night. I found myself, for real this time, missing you, my patient.

All I can say is that you, you make me into a new person. Before I met you again, I was me. Someone who can’t trust and love. You make me happy, even when you’re selfish and awful. Tonight, I would rather be with you – even the you that you think is broken and disabled – than with anyone else in this world. Because I found solace with you.

“He cares so much for you, till the fact that to me, you are his cure. Having you in his life is what he needs.”

“Just let him go. He is ignoring you. He doesn’t care about you anymore. Move on.”

For the past 3-4 weeks, I am confused about how I felt, so I told myself that I should just ignore things and focus on whatever I needed to do. I tried to convince myself that you don’t like me and I didn’t like you. To push away my feelings. To destroy them. Anyway, you don’t like talking to me anymore.

Tonight, just when I think it couldn’t get any worse, it can. My heart cried in pain, just like 8 years ago. Because now, I am trying to love someone and it’s going to be a love in vain.

I don’t even dare to say that I’m in love. I don’t even have the courage to text you about how I felt. So, I could only write all my feelings down, hoping that you will read. I don’t think you will even read this.

Here’s to you if you are reading this:

People used to say that being honest with someone can make you gain a person in life or can teach you a painful lesson in life. I’m going to be honest anyways because words that are left unsaid is more hurtful than words that were spoken. It feels so unethical to fall in love with my own patient, so the only correct way to solve the dilemma is to end our physiotherapist-patient relationship. But will our friendship ends too after you read this?

I cared for you as a physiotherapist in the beginning, then slowly, I loved you as a good friend. And then, I loved you more than just a good friend during the days when we were apart.

I don’t know what else can I tell you, other than that I love you. I don’t care if you are an OKU, or lost a limb, or if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness. All I know is: I love God. I love you.

I know that I sound crazy. I know we’re just getting to know each other, and even admitting what I did just makes you think that I’m nuts and it will draw you away. You would probably avoid me forever.

Still, I want you to know that I love you, not just for the person you are, but for the way you make me think that we can be. I don’t know if I have made the right choice to say this, but I know our lives are made up of our own choices or our lives will never change.

Now, tell me, should I apologize for being honest and watch you leave?

I wish before you leave, you could slap me with the truth. The truth that will set me free. That you don’t feel the same way. Because I’m not the type of girl that you will fall in love with. That I’m not a supermodel with pretty face, nor am I intelligent. I’m just not that girl. I am just a common woman. I have led a common life with battle scars. Just slap me with the truth. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t choose me either.

Now I know why I was miserable.
I fell in love with my patient.
I love you and I’m sorry.

Here comes the feeling you thought you’d forgotten.

A letter to You.

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I still remember that you called one night to tell me that you had fallen into the trap and that, you are not okay. I could only say I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it all away and let you live the life you want, but I can’t.

I wanted to make things better for you, but your condition doesn’t always allow me to do that. I didn’t text, not because I have forgotten about you. I didn’t text, not because I don’t care anymore. I didn’t text, not because I’m avoiding you. But because I understand that you needed time to chill.

Some days, I know you can’t see what’s good in you, what’s worthwhile in you. Sometimes, you can’t see why you matter. And some days, I know you don’t love yourself. So I’m writing and wishing you could see what I see. To remind you of how great you are. That’s what your friends are for!

You are one of the cutest patient ever. Who laughs so much just to kill pain. Who can explain complex ideas into something very easy for yourself to learn. And you always say the right words that gets me through my day, sometimes. Did you know that?

You are caring, kind, a great listener, you don’t judge, and passionate…the list goes on and on. You go out of your way to be kind. You love people. You take on other people’s burdens or inconvenience yourself, to make life easier for another person. The qualities that God gave you makes you pretty amazing. And you need to see that sometimes, you need to come first.

To be honest, selfishly, I am glad for what God has put you through because it made you into you. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been carrying this pain, trying to live as good a life as you can without letting the feelings pulling you down. Trying to fix the source of it, trying to deny it and cover it up.

In those moments when you’re most broken by it, when you’re standing honest facing the darkest storm, that’s precisely when I love you the most. That’s when I remember again and again and again why I wanted to be your friend in the first place. Because you’re a real person, you suffer from all this mess and yet you keep on trying, every day. You’re kind of a hero to me and going to be a blessing to others. I trust that you can overcome this.

I hope you understand, just a little bit, why you matter. I want to let you know that I’m holding you in my thoughts and prayers. That I promise you. You don’t have to be strong, trying to hold yourself together in a single thread. It’s okay. It’s okay that you aren’t okay. I’m not leaving, and neither are your friends. I may not be someone who is important in your life but I hope you realize there are a lot of people in your life who love you enough to go through it all with you, standing by you along the way.

We won’t ever see you as a burden or as an annoyance. Never. Because we love you too much. We will be there for you, ok? Remember that your darkest storm doesn’t get to win. Not with God and prayers in your corner.

We love you. Always.

P/s: I’m still waiting for you to compile all of your shouting and screaming videos so that I can watch them whenever I need to laugh. I’ll continue to count the minutes until you do.

Sincerely,

Your friend.

Love conquers all. Always. 

NEVER KNEW YOUR SMILE MEANS SO MUCH TO ME

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Sitting right beside you, counting every independent unassisted movement.

Sitting right beside you, thinking how much I used to dislike you.

Sitting right beside you, realizing that you are a new person.

Sitting right beside you, I am your physiotherapist and friend.

I knew you were the most determined, the most hardworking patient, but nothing could ever prepare me for what was about to happen.

I thought the best gift I can give to anyone in this world – time. Something that money can’t buy.

I thought, I truly thought I did enough.

I was wrong.

I never knew this would happen.

Truth is, we can never be prepared. Nothing is enough. Enough to save a life.

I think I lost a patient. A friend.

Just so you know, I would give anything to listen to you talk on and on and on again.

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It’s funny how things can change so suddenly. 

Too Much, Too Little, Too Late

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That’s what you texted today. I decided to write down because I just feel sad and empty. I write because you exist in my life. The day could have been of good food and family – you know, things that make you feel happy when you are back to church with family and friends. But, I had to suck it all up.

It feels daunting when someone gives you a math problem to solve, asking you not to give up and when you are halfway through, the person snatches it away from you. Many patients asked us to let them go. I am no stranger to such words, but this time, I felt drenched in shame that in the darkest time of his life, my patient could not bring himself to trust me one more time. Because he thinks that I have too much on my plate.

What I wanted to say, I couldn’t say it. Nothing I say matters now. You wouldn’t listen. But I really wanted to tell you that the amount of stress I have is mines. And not yours. What I am going through is what I needed to go through. What you are going through is what you needed to go through to be a better person too. I just need you to trust me a little more that I can help you, I can help others, I can work and study at the same time. Just that. Is that too much to ask?

So I expect too much from you, cared too little and now it is too late to regret.

Being a physiotherapist can be emotionally punishing, sometimes thrilling and sometimes sobering. Once, I selfishly wished that someone else had faced all these instead of me. Haha. But overall, the best thing about being a physiotherapist was that you always go home with life lessons that made you a better physiotherapist tomorrow.

Today, I wrote it down because one day when I look back into my life, I know all that I’ve done has been in the name of love.