#MyStory

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Today, my family set up for another blind dinner date. I understand that they have good intentions and want to introduce someone they know that they “think” would be perfect for me. My mom said, take a chance. And so I accepted it. I didn’t dressed up to impress but of course, decently with no make ups. Anyway, I am not a girl who wears make up everyday unless it is for a special occasion. Duh. So I head over to the restaurant with my mom and relatives. His family was already there, and he was seated in between his parents.

His aunty recognized me right away and was so excited because she saw my pictures on billboards and advertisements. I’m not famous yo but it became a hot topic for the night. Geez. He who was sitting directly opposite me, looks amazing. He is tall, smart and handsome. He dressed up well, and he seems to be a nice person.

Finding a lover sounds beautiful, isn’t it? A person to date. A person who goes for pizzas and movies with. A person to open your life to, give your heart to, who you can see yourself with, years and years down the road. I’m not looking for somebody with superhuman gifts. To me, he just need to love God more. Because that’s the first and the greatest commandment. Simple.

Despite so, finding that person can be scary too. There are so many rules in today’s dating world. A lover is supposed to be smart, pretty, sexy, and reliable, right? His family definitely expected higher requirements but was quite impressed with me and they were very anxious to know about our second date.

It happened real quickly. There weren’t any mixed signals. There wasn’t a bit of uncertainty. I knew I’d be asked out on a date before leaving. Before I even reach home, there was already a text. Conversation flowed naturally and next thing I know, I’m finding out someone’s entire life story who I hadn’t known 24 hours ago.

He didn’t try to say all the right things, he didn’t try to be the man I wanted. He wanted to be that man I needed to fix my heart. He’s a great guy but he doesn’t seem to be the one. I’m sorry.

I know his family and mines are very excited about us. But I’m sorry for making him fall at the first sight. I’m sorry that I couldn’t fall in love with him now because I am still caught in the mess of someone else. I cannot love him now because I am too selfish and too determined in being the girl on her own. I want to explain it to him, this is what I’m going through right now. But he deserves a fair shot. I don’t wanna make him feel exactly the way someone else has made I feel that he is not good enough.

I hope that they will understand that I am not broken or weak. I just can’t love him right now, can’t love at all right now. I know sometimes we don’t have to do alone, just maybe all it takes is just one person to teach us the pain we feel right now and everything we’ve been holding on to for this long is what we can let go of. But I need some time to breathe. I need time to figure out myself. Because right now I know I may get lonely, but I don’t mind being alone.

“…all people needed was time and then they could figure most things out of themselves.”

At the cliff.

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Yeah, I am pushing myself towards the edge.

Doing something that I haven’t done before.

Something that I shouldn’t do.

Something that God asked me to.

I don’t have much to offer.

I think God wants to test my patience. My sincerity towards someone.

But you know what.

I am going to persevere although he is cold.

Because I don’t want to regret for the rest of my life.

And that’s the only thing I can do right now.

Till the day, when I finally say,

“I felt so much, that I started to feel nothing now.”

Good morning.

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Good morning. This is going to be the first text message I am going to send you after such a long time. Because of this bible verse. 

I said No to God for three times, and finally I said yes to God. I don’t know how to do this, but I’m sure God knows how.

Image result for Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.

I was selfish. I have been thinking about myself, my problems and my feelings. I have forgotten about this brother of mines and the hard times that he is going through.

So, my brother, tomorrow onwards I am going to annoy you with texts everyday. Just like few months ago, you annoyed me with your everyday texts. I know it is going to be frustrating and exhausting when I am the only one who does the talk. But it is okay. I am going to be in the arena too, fighting the battle with you.

I don’t know how it feels like to be in deep problems, but I will learn today. I will learn to understand you day by day. I wish that you wouldn’t be in so much pain and that I could just take it all away. But I don’t know how to do that. What I will do is to be here for you for as long as it takes. You can count on me, bro!

Love,

Your sis.

When “I” is replaced by “we”, illness will become wellness.

Reconcile

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The feeling of not being able to forgive

Will eventually eat you up

So choose to forgive

Forgetting isn’t easy

Thus, reconciliation isn’t always necessary

The world is so beautifully crafted

Yet the people who lives in this beautiful world

Are wearing masks of different characters

Speculating on different of rumours

What’s true and untrue cannot be differentiated

It’s so hard to remain calm

And you can’t reconcile

So keep quiet and walk away

It is time to do something right

For yourself

And let your light shine through. 🙂

A gift.

I remember I was sitting in a large room for a meeting, putting up my hand, giving ideas even though it was scary for me, and then being ignored by the boss. My boss was listening to everybody’s ideas but not mines. I tried very hard to express myself, tie a ribbon to the gift to make it look appealing, but I was drowned out. The gift was snatched and it fell on the cold ground.

Then, another person will pick up the gift when there is nothing left and use my gift to impress another. I guess life is like that. Being so unfair. Acceptance of a gift is based on the looks of the giver, the color of the giver’s hair and etc. It makes my heart hurts just to think about it. Because I’m a human. Just like you, I yearn to be acknowledged and appreciated.

You, me, have gone through good and bad times. Sometimes, you think that you did your very best but you didn’t do enough or weren’t appreciated by others. Period. They said, nobody should ever question your worth. I guess it is true. You have to love yourself more, sometimes. You owe yourself the love that you are giving freely to others. You did your best and you deserve a huge pat on your back. Don’t just bash yourself for not being good enough. To be honest, how good is good?

In this world, there are scientists who died without their theory accepted, researchers died without their work being acknowledged. But I just want you to know that you are good enough. Your mind was just beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

But I’m here to tell you that you don’t need people who don’t appreciate you.

You know you have great ideas. You know you have wonderful thoughts. You have worked your ass off to complete a project. And you don’t need others to applaud. It’s hard, isn’t it? As much as we try to dismiss it, our worth is often based on the opinions of others. But it can’t go on like this. Life is gonna be miserable.

Instead, just be happy with your every gift. Tie a shinny ribbon around it with perfect wrapping. Place it under the tree. Then walk away. Leave with a smile, because you gave and the creation of the gift makes you happy. Maybe one day, your gift will make others happy. That’s all that matters.

“You don’t need anybody who doesn’t need you. Focus on who appreciates you.”

A letter to You.

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I still remember that you called one night to tell me that you had fallen into the trap and that, you are not okay. I could only say I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it all away and let you live the life you want, but I can’t.

I wanted to make things better for you, but your condition doesn’t always allow me to do that. I didn’t text, not because I have forgotten about you. I didn’t text, not because I don’t care anymore. I didn’t text, not because I’m avoiding you. But because I understand that you needed time to chill.

Some days, I know you can’t see what’s good in you, what’s worthwhile in you. Sometimes, you can’t see why you matter. And some days, I know you don’t love yourself. So I’m writing and wishing you could see what I see. To remind you of how great you are. That’s what your friends are for!

You are one of the cutest patient ever. Who laughs so much just to kill pain. Who can explain complex ideas into something very easy for yourself to learn. And you always say the right words that gets me through my day, sometimes. Did you know that?

You are caring, kind, a great listener, you don’t judge, and passionate…the list goes on and on. You go out of your way to be kind. You love people. You take on other people’s burdens or inconvenience yourself, to make life easier for another person. The qualities that God gave you makes you pretty amazing. And you need to see that sometimes, you need to come first.

To be honest, selfishly, I am glad for what God has put you through because it made you into you. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been carrying this pain, trying to live as good a life as you can without letting the feelings pulling you down. Trying to fix the source of it, trying to deny it and cover it up.

In those moments when you’re most broken by it, when you’re standing honest facing the darkest storm, that’s precisely when I love you the most. That’s when I remember again and again and again why I wanted to be your friend in the first place. Because you’re a real person, you suffer from all this mess and yet you keep on trying, every day. You’re kind of a hero to me and going to be a blessing to others. I trust that you can overcome this.

I hope you understand, just a little bit, why you matter. I want to let you know that I’m holding you in my thoughts and prayers. That I promise you. You don’t have to be strong, trying to hold yourself together in a single thread. It’s okay. It’s okay that you aren’t okay. I’m not leaving, and neither are your friends. I may not be someone who is important in your life but I hope you realize there are a lot of people in your life who love you enough to go through it all with you, standing by you along the way.

We won’t ever see you as a burden or as an annoyance. Never. Because we love you too much. We will be there for you, ok? Remember that your darkest storm doesn’t get to win. Not with God and prayers in your corner.

We love you. Always.

P/s: I’m still waiting for you to compile all of your shouting and screaming videos so that I can watch them whenever I need to laugh. I’ll continue to count the minutes until you do.

Sincerely,

Your friend.

Love conquers all. Always.