At the cliff.

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Yeah, I am pushing myself towards the edge.

Doing something that I haven’t done before.

Something that I shouldn’t do.

Something that God asked me to.

I don’t have much to offer.

I think God wants to test my patience. My sincerity towards someone.

But you know what.

I am going to persevere although he is cold.

Because I don’t want to regret for the rest of my life.

And that’s the only thing I can do right now.

Till the day, when I finally say,

“I felt so much, that I started to feel nothing now.”

Being ignored.

While Z and I was walking down the hallway, you only smiled and talked to Z even though I said “Hi”. Probably because Z is rather an important person or someone whom you are closer to or maybe prettier. Or worst, you probably didn’t see me. But that’s okay.

Being ignored is quite a common incident everywhere. Think of a time when you are being ignored. Being left out and pushed away, day after day, I’m sure many of you have suffered this before. Being ignored is indeed a bullying tactic. It can be extremely painful and it is rather difficult to get over the bad feelings.

In every defining moment, I’d still believe in hope. Hoping that things will get better eventually. When you first get a job, when you first moved in to a new place – nothing works out planned. It is a harsh reality but it will get better. So here are my suggestions to be HAPPIER! Of course you need to be happy. After alls, it is your life. Not theirs.

  1. Accept the fact that they are ignoring you. Face the fact and move on.
  2. Talk to people. You definitely have some friends to cheer you up. So go. Talk to your friends.
  3. Take a break yo! Go and have fun. All day work makes Jack a dull boy. It is time to party.
  4. Stop thinking about negative thoughts. Because your brain tend to make up stories sometimes. It makes you feel even more frustrated. Ignore negative thoughts.

After alls, there are things we will not understand. Some things we will be unable to change. One thing we can change, protect and empower is ourselves. Keep protected. The truth will rise to the top and keep shining.

Ignore me, that’s cool too!

Her.

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Texting her in the mornings.

Asking her questions.

Being thankful and impressed by all she did.

Looking forward to see her.

That’s what you used to do.

You used to think that God send her to you.

But somewhere, somehow, you begin to expect things of her.

You did things because you felt you had to, not because you wanted to.

And suddenly you stopped meeting her halfway.

You told her when and where to come.

Then cancel hours before.

Her love and presence becomes inconvenient.

You stopped answering when you wanted.

And she stumbled through confusion wondering what would be her mistakes.

She talked to you but you never listened.

Words were filling time and space but nothing was being said.

You liked her for the way she made you feel.

She made it easy for you.

The less you tried, the more effort she put in. Just to make you stay.

She build you up but all you did was to knock her down.

You stopped being what she needed and she stopped being what you wanted.

You stopped trying.

And suddenly you become strangers, afraid to make any move.

The truth was you ran out of things to say.

But she still loved you.

She’d still chose you.

The only thing harder than falling out of love is being in love and watching someone fall out of love with her. Knowing that she can’t do anything about it.

It broke her when she realized she has to choose herself now.

Because in a crowded room where she felt alone, invisible and empty, giving all her pieces to make you whole, she caught the eye of a stranger.

He asked if she was seeing anyone. And the truth was yes. But she shook her head because she knew she couldn’t hold onto something that isn’t there anymore.

And that goodbye got replaced with a new hello.

Yes, I will.

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Hi,

A million of words and faces have run across my mind. Sometimes I wonder what you are doing and how are you feeling. Despite being busy, I wonder if you feel the same emptiness like I do throughout the day.

I have read so much about your condition so that I could come up with the best treatment plan. Every temptation to text you gets too much and I will have to bite it back and tell myself that no good will come from it.

People tell me that I should tell you the truth instead of beating around the bush. The truth that I have helped to rehabilitate so many people, but it is you that I cared the most. I have so many other options, but it is you that I chose. Honestly, I have too little courage to tell you. But in your silence, I have already found my answer.

Today, I am writing to tell you that I am letting you go. I have decided to let you go not because I have stopped loving you or I have found another. For as much as I want to help you, I want to help myself too. Seeing you fall into the sadness trap makes me sad too. Instead of me lifting people up – my patients, my colleagues, my closest friends have to pull me out of the trap. I want to be selfish now because it is the best for me.

Time spent with you was never about troubles, disgrace or disagreements, but instead a moment that I will miss. I know God has bigger plans for us. If God wants something huge from me, I must be more willing to let it go. If losing contact with you is part of God’s plan, I’d rather not hear anything from you. I gave you to God because I know God will be able to fix what is broken than I do.

So, please understand that if I do not send a text, it doesn’t mean I do not care anymore. I would say I still care very much. I’ll love you for accepting me to be your physiotherapist and inspires me to become a better one. I’ll love you for the short period of companionship and friendship that we have shared. I’ll love you enough to let you go so that you could do more, feel more and be more than the person you could ever become than being by my side.  I’ll always pray for your happiness like how I pray for mines.

I can write the saddest lines tonight. To think I don’t have you, to feel I have lost you. I chose not to. I choose to give you up for God. And these are the last lines I will write for you.

Tonight, this is my parting, my reluctance and my final gift to you.

Tonight, I am letting you go.

Yes, I will.

_________________________________

At first, she was devastated by you.

Later, she realized your smile actually means a lot to her.

She wrote a letter while you ignored her. She was hoping that you will get better soon.

She stopped denying her feelings. You made her feel worthless. 

Finally, she walks away from the pain of unrequited love. And this is her last letter to you.

_________________________________

Close your eyes, seal your heart and let it go.

I fell in love with my patient.

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Today, I was set up on a blind date through my relative. I went anyway, because I want all of my complicated feelings about you to fade away. If only this new guy can make my heart skip a beat, I would have forgotten about you and move on with life.

We had dinner together at a very romantic place. He is a rather good looking guy with good manners. Very polite, dressed well and he smelled good too! Bonus points, I thought. The date went well, but, I wasn’t thinking about this new guy. I found myself wanted to tell every single thing to you at the end of the night. I found myself, for real this time, missing you, my patient.

All I can say is that you, you make me into a new person. Before I met you again, I was me. Someone who can’t trust and love. You make me happy, even when you’re selfish and awful. Tonight, I would rather be with you – even the you that you think is broken and disabled – than with anyone else in this world. Because I found solace with you.

“He cares so much for you, till the fact that to me, you are his cure. Having you in his life is what he needs.”

“Just let him go. He is ignoring you. He doesn’t care about you anymore. Move on.”

For the past 3-4 weeks, I am confused about how I felt, so I told myself that I should just ignore things and focus on whatever I needed to do. I tried to convince myself that you don’t like me and I didn’t like you. To push away my feelings. To destroy them. Anyway, you don’t like talking to me anymore.

Tonight, just when I think it couldn’t get any worse, it can. My heart cried in pain, just like 8 years ago. Because now, I am trying to love someone and it’s going to be a love in vain.

I don’t even dare to say that I’m in love. I don’t even have the courage to text you about how I felt. So, I could only write all my feelings down, hoping that you will read. I don’t think you will even read this.

Here’s to you if you are reading this:

People used to say that being honest with someone can make you gain a person in life or can teach you a painful lesson in life. I’m going to be honest anyways because words that are left unsaid is more hurtful than words that were spoken. It feels so unethical to fall in love with my own patient, so the only correct way to solve the dilemma is to end our physiotherapist-patient relationship. But will our friendship ends too after you read this?

I cared for you as a physiotherapist in the beginning, then slowly, I loved you as a good friend. And then, I loved you more than just a good friend during the days when we were apart.

I don’t know what else can I tell you, other than that I love you. I don’t care if you are an OKU, or lost a limb, or if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness. All I know is: I love God. I love you.

I know that I sound crazy. I know we’re just getting to know each other, and even admitting what I did just makes you think that I’m nuts and it will draw you away. You would probably avoid me forever.

Still, I want you to know that I love you, not just for the person you are, but for the way you make me think that we can be. I don’t know if I have made the right choice to say this, but I know our lives are made up of our own choices or our lives will never change.

Now, tell me, should I apologize for being honest and watch you leave?

I wish before you leave, you could slap me with the truth. The truth that will set me free. That you don’t feel the same way. Because I’m not the type of girl that you will fall in love with. That I’m not a supermodel with pretty face, nor am I intelligent. I’m just not that girl. I am just a common woman. I have led a common life with battle scars. Just slap me with the truth. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t choose me either.

Now I know why I was miserable.
I fell in love with my patient.
I love you and I’m sorry.

Here comes the feeling you thought you’d forgotten.

Venerable.

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“Finally…”

He brought her home to meet his ailing grandfather. His grandfather was very weak, yet, he still lifted his head slowly to look deeply into her eyes. She sat down beside his grandfather so that he can have a closer look at her.

“You look very smart and knows how to carry yourself. You must be a very determined person and won’t easily give up. You crossed your legs while standing because you are very reserved and that’s why you are very careful with whatever you do. You smile from your heart but there is sadness in your eyes. Your clasping hands showed that you have something that you can’t let go but at the same time, you are trying to believe that you can.”

She cleared her throat and said, “Thank you, Ah Kong.”

Ah Kong reached for his grandson’s hand. And he held his Ah Kong’s hands tightly. Seeing the bond between grandfather and grandson brought big tears to her eyes.

His Ah Kong looked at him and said, “Treat her right. Your words and actions will last her a lifetime. Your bitter words, that day you were angry with her, those times you ignored her, when your friends are more important than her, the times you don’t walk with her to front door, she carries that in her mind.

She is beautiful because behind her, there is pain. She will remember that you made her happy. Wipe her tears, stroke her hair, support and be there for her. She will remember that you treat her like a lady, even when she is wrong. Teach her how to let go of things. You are now a big boy. You have to learn to love, to compromise, to nurture..the kind of man who makes a good husband and father.

If she loves you, be a good man, because if you don’t, you will lose her in the end…”

Ah Kong taught him and her about a good man. Her eyes misted over, and tears rolled down her cheeks. His grandfather began to breathe heavily. “Rest, Ah Kong, rest. I know. I know.” Ah Kong was struggling for each breath and in a few minutes, everything stopped.

He’d gotten emotional but she was glad that he’d shared it with her. She wiped away his tears, reaching over, hugged him and cried together. She wanted to comfort him, but words are hard to come by. Saying the right words is the hardest thing for her but Ah Kong’s words definitely impacted him and her.

 

A grandfather holds his grandchild’s hand for a while and their hearts for a lifetime.

A letter to You.

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I still remember that you called one night to tell me that you had fallen into the trap and that, you are not okay. I could only say I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it all away and let you live the life you want, but I can’t.

I wanted to make things better for you, but your condition doesn’t always allow me to do that. I didn’t text, not because I have forgotten about you. I didn’t text, not because I don’t care anymore. I didn’t text, not because I’m avoiding you. But because I understand that you needed time to chill.

Some days, I know you can’t see what’s good in you, what’s worthwhile in you. Sometimes, you can’t see why you matter. And some days, I know you don’t love yourself. So I’m writing and wishing you could see what I see. To remind you of how great you are. That’s what your friends are for!

You are one of the cutest patient ever. Who laughs so much just to kill pain. Who can explain complex ideas into something very easy for yourself to learn. And you always say the right words that gets me through my day, sometimes. Did you know that?

You are caring, kind, a great listener, you don’t judge, and passionate…the list goes on and on. You go out of your way to be kind. You love people. You take on other people’s burdens or inconvenience yourself, to make life easier for another person. The qualities that God gave you makes you pretty amazing. And you need to see that sometimes, you need to come first.

To be honest, selfishly, I am glad for what God has put you through because it made you into you. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been carrying this pain, trying to live as good a life as you can without letting the feelings pulling you down. Trying to fix the source of it, trying to deny it and cover it up.

In those moments when you’re most broken by it, when you’re standing honest facing the darkest storm, that’s precisely when I love you the most. That’s when I remember again and again and again why I wanted to be your friend in the first place. Because you’re a real person, you suffer from all this mess and yet you keep on trying, every day. You’re kind of a hero to me and going to be a blessing to others. I trust that you can overcome this.

I hope you understand, just a little bit, why you matter. I want to let you know that I’m holding you in my thoughts and prayers. That I promise you. You don’t have to be strong, trying to hold yourself together in a single thread. It’s okay. It’s okay that you aren’t okay. I’m not leaving, and neither are your friends. I may not be someone who is important in your life but I hope you realize there are a lot of people in your life who love you enough to go through it all with you, standing by you along the way.

We won’t ever see you as a burden or as an annoyance. Never. Because we love you too much. We will be there for you, ok? Remember that your darkest storm doesn’t get to win. Not with God and prayers in your corner.

We love you. Always.

P/s: I’m still waiting for you to compile all of your shouting and screaming videos so that I can watch them whenever I need to laugh. I’ll continue to count the minutes until you do.

Sincerely,

Your friend.

Love conquers all. Always.